I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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