Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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