I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
