Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize