Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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