I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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