Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
