All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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