Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
