I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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