Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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