Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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