you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
