"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
