I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
