i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
