There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
