ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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