apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
