i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
