Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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