well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize