Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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