fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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