I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
