I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
