So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
