Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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