Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
