He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
