things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize