"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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