i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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