Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
