I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
