I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
