god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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