The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
