Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
