Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
