1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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