yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
