i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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