I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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