I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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