if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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