If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
