I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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