I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
