it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
