You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I will pee on everything he values.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
