Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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