My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
