Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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