your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize