What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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