Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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